Today is officially two years since starting testosterone and tomorrow I’m having gender affirming chest surgery!
I’m making a video about it but here is an excerpt from what I wrote about it…
What does top surgery mean to me?
When I first realized I was trans, the idea of needing medical interventions to feel myself horrified me. I almost didn’t transition, for a year after knowing I was trans, I tried to just accept my body and presented androgynously, hoping that my need for hormones and surgery could be satisfied by that. The thought of surgery in particular was just outlandish to me. I couldn’t imagine it. I couldn’t see a version of myself at the other end. Obsessively looking at the few doctor’s results, the discussions, the glaring holes in information, and so few actual people to even be public about their experiences wasn’t doing me any good. There is a big difference in having a few people on YouTube share their story and having role models to actually look up to. This is why trans representation is important. There wasn’t choosing from a famous actor, model, musician, politician, businessman, leader or otherwise who I could look to and see a trans man role model. Like most trans people, I had to invent myself and had to struggle with society not knowing how to take my invention. I had to think of myself in a vacuum, who I would be without the list of gender roles and trans medical intervention. I had to think of who I am in front of the mirror by myself. That was when it was clear, if I had known I was trans when I was young, instead of having lived in a society that oppressed that information being given to young people for fear they didn’t understand, I would have suppressed puberty, if not completely gone on testosterone at the appropriate age. It was obvious that my chest was a result of all the time I lived under the wrong hormones. I mourned those years I lived wrongly and what it did to my body. I mourned who I could have been all my life instead of just now. And then I mourned the chest I had and the thought of the pain, the gore, and the struggle of ridding myself of it. After I mourned it I could see the other side of the tunnel. I could see being proud to come this far and that I could go farther still. I knew the process to get surgery would be involved and take a long time. With a very well informed psychologist and doctor I was able to get approved for surgery easily. Once I decided it was my plan it only took a few months from my first psychologist appointment to surgery day. Recovery will probably be several months, even a year until my chest settles and really feels like me. It will never be a cis man’s chest. But it will be masculine in my own way.
What are my goals after top surgery?
I can’t wait to give away my binders and never ever wear them again. I can’t wait to not have to hide my chest for modesty. I can’t wait to take off my shirt in the sunshine and hike to the highest peak, bike the longest ride, and run the farthest run I’ve ever done. I won’t be held back by my body or feel the weight of it physically, emotionally, or mentally. I can’t wait to wear a t-shirt alone and feel relief instead of discomfort. I can’t wait to feel euphoria over my chest which I haven’t felt since I first put on a binder. I can’t wait for summer. I can’t wait to give hugs. I can’t wait to have my wife sleep on my chest. I can’t wait to look in the mirror and see just me as I was always meant to be.
If you would like to help support me during my recovery, anything you can contribute is greatly appreciated!